


Christmases When You Were Mine

by Arok88



Category: Backstreet Boys, Popslash
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:49:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26426656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arok88/pseuds/Arok88
Summary: Please take down the mistletoeCause I don't wanna think about that right nowCause everything I want is miles awayIn a snow covered little townMama's in the kitchen worrying about meSeasons greetings hope you're wellI'm doing alright if you were wonderingLately I can never tellI know this shouldn't be a lonely timeBut there were Christmases when you were mineI've been doing fine without you, reallyUp until the nights got coldEverybody's here except you, babySeems like everyone's got someone to holdBut for me it's just a lonely timeCause there were Christmases when you were mineMerry Christmas everybodyThat'll have to be something I just say this yearBet you got your mom another sweaterWere your cousins late again?When you were putting up the lights this yearDid you notice one less pair of hands?I know this shouldn't be a lonely timeBut there were Christmases when I didn'tWonder how you are tonightCause there were Christmases when you were mine
Relationships: Brian Littrell/AJ McLean
Kudos: 3





	Christmases When You Were Mine

~*~ Please take down the mistletoe Cause I don't wanna think about that right now ~*~

AJ curled up on the window seat with a cup of hot chocolate in his hand. His mom had made sure it was packed with mini marshmallows. Who could stand hot chocolate without the marshmallows? He laid his head against the cool glass and watched the snow coming down from the darkened sky. It was going to get pretty bad out. He should be thankful that he wouldn't be driving in it for a few days. Hell, he probably wouldn't even step outside until the damn stuff melted. He hated the cold and had no intention of going out in the snow. Besides, who played in the snow alone either?

He closed his eyes and tried to think of anything, anything but the memories that seemed to want to haunt him. He just wanted to enjoy his hot chocolate and then go back into the kitchen and pretend like everything was ok. He was good at pretending. He could slip on his sunglasses and convince anyone that his heart wasn't broken. His mom felt so bad about the way he was feeling that she wouldn't even question when he insisted that all was well in his world.

He took another drink from the warm glass and wiped the film off of his lips. He looked around the living room at the countless boxes of Christmas paraphernalia. He would never understand why his mother insisted on waiting until the week before Christmas before she put up her tree. She insisted she couldn't figure it out without him. Secretly he was pleased that it was one tradition he didn't miss out on altogether. Usually decorating brought so much happiness and laughter to this house that it felt like it would burst. There was no laughter this year, just the awkward silences from mother to son. He knew that she just did not want to say something to upset him, but the silence sometimes was worse. In the silence he could still hear his heart breaking.

He watched as car lights light up the street in front of his mom's house. He felt his heart leap at the possibility then scolded himself for his foolishness. There was no use in hoping anymore. What was done was done. There was nothing left to say or do, except face the cold and move on. Did he mention he hated the cold? Why was it that when he really wanted to think about anything else all he could think about was this, how much it hurt, how much he wanted everything to be over.

~*~ Cause everything I want is miles away In a snow covered little town ~*~

He sat the cup on the seat and grabbed the fleece blanket up off the floor. It seemed to be degrees chillier by the window. He wrapped the blanket tightly around himself and leaned further back against the window seat. They had all taken the last few weeks of December off so that they could spend time with their respective families before they went back to the studio in January. They had been away from each other for a total of three days, but it was already proving to be three days too many for AJ. He hated being away from him. It didn't matter that they weren't together anymore; he just liked to be around him.

Howie had flown home to spend the holidays with his mother and sisters in Florida. Nick and Aaron had went off to Canada to spend some quality time away from their insane family and Kevin and Brian had flown home to Kentucky. That was a state that AJ had never understood. He could only imagine how much snow they had already. It didn't snow so much in California. This year however they were getting some. The weatherman said there would be around a foot by Christmas. AJ could only imagine how many feet of snow they would have in Kentucky. He was happy with his single foot. Too much snow was messy; too much snow was just too damn cold.

He closed his eyes and tried to ease the tears away. He didn't want to cry again. He was so fucking sick of all the tears and bullshit that went along with a break up. So what if his heart was broken. That was life wasn't it? These things happened, especially to him. Who was he kidding thinking that it would have really lasted forever? The joke sure was on him. Sometimes he hated himself. This was definitely one of those times.

~*~ My momma's in the kitchen, worrying about me Season's greetings, hope you're well ~*~

He could hear his mother slamming pots and pans in the kitchen as she went about preparing his favorite foods. It wasn't often that she got to cook for her baby boy so when he was home she took full advantage and always went overboard cooking his every meal. He liked it. It made him feel loved, made him feel like he'd finally come home. He knew he should go in and help her, but he hadn't missed the worried looks she had been shooting him since he arrived yesterday. She still treated him like this little china doll that was seconds away from breaking. Maybe he was, maybe all it would take as a hug from his momma to reduce him to bawling like a baby, but then where would that get him? Nowhere.

He knew it was going to be difficult being home for the holidays. There were too many memories, too much emotion, but he couldn't disappoint his mom. She had called thrilled at the prospect of having him all to herself for three weeks and he couldn't stand the thought of disappointing her. All he wanted to do was find somewhere to hide for three weeks. Fuck Christmas. Wasn't like he would get anything he wanted this year anyway, what was the point in all of this foolishness.

He allowed his thoughts to roam. Brian would be getting ready for Christmas dinner soon. He would be smiling, happy, complete with his family while AJ was falling apart with his mom. He hoped Christmas was all Brian had ever envisioned, because his Christmas was completely fucked.

~*~ I know this shouldn't be a lonely time But there were Christmases when you were mine ~*~

He stared at the half decorated Christmas tree and had to close his eyes quickly to keep from crying. He and Brian always put the tree up together, wrapping each other up in lights and garland. They would laugh and kiss as Denise baked in the kitchen bringing them baskets of cookies and smiling as her tree came to life, fueled by love and teamwork. They had put the tree up together for the past four years. Now the lights sat on the couch, the garland still packed away and the tree leaning slightly to the right. He could never get it quite right without help from Brian. He could never do anything right without help from Brian. He shook his head. If only he had know last year when they packed all the decorations away that this Christmas he would be alone and heartbroken he would have just thrown the decorations into a trash bag to make it easier to unpack. He had no idea where most of the decorations went. Brian was the one that organized them all, Brian took care of everything. Brian was gone.

He wiped his hand across his face and then quickly wiped away the fallen tears. He didn't even realize he'd started crying. His heart was broken in a million pieces but the Christmas season would still come, still demand to be respected. It had been a whole month, a month since his life had come crashing down around him. He could still feel the pain as if it were the moment that Brian had ended things all over again.

They had gone back to their hotel after a concert and they had all met up in Nick's room to discuss Thanksgiving. All of the guys liked to be aware of where each other was, after sixteen years together it was hard to imagine it any other way. They sat around the living room talking and tossing a foam football back and forth to each other when someone asked about their plans. AJ had stopped mid throw and looked at Brian. "We're going to my moms right?" He'd asked. If he had know that that simple sentence would open up the hugest can of worms he'd ever seen he would have kept his mouth shut the entire evening. Brian had hesitated and blushed. "Can we talk about this later?" he asked nervously looking around at their friends. AJ could still feel the cold chill that went through his body at that very moment in time. How was he supposed to know that everything wasn't alright between them? How was he supposed to have known that Brian was ashamed?

In all actuality he should have realized it much earlier on, but somehow he hadn't focused in on that fact yet. Maybe it was because they had come out to his own mother and she was beyond thrilled with it. He never stopped and thought it was weird that Brian's parents didn't know. He should have known something was up when they never went and visited them together, but it was just something he had somehow overlooked.

Nick had quickly changed the subject at their discomfort and the rest of the guys went back to chatting on about this and that, but AJ remained silent and frozen in place, unsure of what to expect when they got back to their hotel room. They had all decided they should go to bed and AJ left first not sure of how to act around Brian just then. He paced their hotel room until Brian got back really beginning to freak out. Once Brian entered the room however, AJ knew that nothing would ever be the same again.

"Will you sit down so we can talk?" Brian asked, his blue eyes shinning. AJ obeyed and sat on the end of the hotel bed. Brian sat down beside him and took one of AJ's hands in his. "I need to go to Kentucky for Thanksgiving. My parents are going nuts because I don't come home for the holidays anymore."

AJ sighed with relief. "That's fine baby. I know mom will understand that we're going to your folks for the holidays. She's had us the past few years." He smiled at Brian.

Brian dropped his hand and sighed. "I have to go alone AJ. You can't come with me." He looked around the room, his eyes falling on anything besides AJ's face.

AJ was confused. "What do you mean? We always spend the holidays together. Why can't I go?"

Brian got up from the bed and began to pace the room in front of him. "Because they don't know about you. They wouldn't understand."

AJ felt like he'd just been punched in the stomach. Four years since they had first said I love you, four years of memories and new beginnings. Four years with Brian's parents in the dark. "What do you mean you haven't told them. You said that you told them the same day I told my mom. You lied to me! You've been lying to me for four years Brian! Why wouldn't you tell them? My mom knows, hell sometimes she likes you more than she likes me. Why wouldn't you tell your family about us? Are you ashamed of me?" AJ spit out before he could stop himself.

Brian looked away and sighed. "My parents are not like you mom. They would never understand this. You know how I was raised. Yes, I lied and I am sorry, but I did not have any other choice. You never would have understood why I did not tell them. It was just easier this way. I just have to go for Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family this year and then next year we can go back to your moms. Its one time baby. Just bear with me." Brian said pleading with him.

AJ was stunned. Brian wanted him to keep living up this masquerade as just being his friend. He wanted to just eliminate this whole chapter of their lives together to keep his parents happy. This was not how a relationship worked. "No Brian. I cannot do this. If this is how you want to deal with your parents fine, but I cannot be here to see it. I cannot be in a relationship where my boyfriend is afraid to tell his parents. Your old enough to stand up to them Brian. If you do not care enough about me to want to tell your parents than I do not care enough to be in this relationship. I love you more than anything in the world, but I cannot live like this."

He tried to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. He tried to hold it together. He prayed Brian would do the right thing. He watched his heart break as Brian shook his head. "I cannot tell them. I thought you would understand that." Brian mumbled sadly.

"No, I cannot understand why my boyfriend wants to hide the truth about me like I am a dirty little secret. I would scream from the roof tops that I loved you. I can see now that you would not do the same thing for me. I cannot do this Brian. It hurts too much. I need you to love me as much as I love you, and part of loving someone is telling those closest to you." AJ looked away as his tears fell. He grabbed his duffel bag and shoved a few articles of clothing into it. "I guess I will see you when we go back to the studio. Don't worry. I won't be around the house. I will find somewhere else to go." He looked at Brian sadly before turning and leaving the room. His heart was breaking in a thousand pieces, but he knew he had to do this. There was no way he could stay in a relationship where Brian was ashamed of the love they shared, even if he would be the one hurt worse in the end.

He had spent Thanksgiving alone in his old home, the home he had before Brian, before everything. He spent a week there alone, depressed and so broken he wasn't sure he would ever be fixed. He had planned on staying there until after the holidays as well, but his mother called and insisted he come home for Christmas and who was he really to ruin her holidays as well. He had pasted on a fake smile and tried to pretend that everything was fine.She knew about the break up, but AJ had made it very obvious that he had no intentions of talking about it and so far she had kept quite. He only hoped he could make it to New Years.

AJ got up from the window and walked over to the tree. The damn thing wouldn't even sit on the stand without leaning to one side or another. He was never the one who put the actual tree up, he just did the decorating, or what could be classified as decorating. Usually Brian went behind him correcting all of the errors he made. He rolled his eyes. He hadn't made the error this time. Brian had, but he was the one suffering. He went to work trying to untangle the lights from each other before growing frustrated and throwing the wad against the wall. Why was everything trying to drive him to the brink of insanity?

He skipped the lights and moved on to garland. He loved his mother, but she had horrible taste in tree trimmings. So the first year that Brian and AJ had spent the holidays with his mom they had ran to the store and bought all new Christmas decorations. It was their tree really. Four Christmases they had spent together. AJ couldn't even remember what Christmas was like before Brian anymore. He really didn't want to either, but he knew he would have to. Brian wasn't his anymore, he couldn't hold out hope for the inevitable. He needed to move on. First things first he was going to decorate this damn tree and then try, at least for his mother's sake, to be excited about Christmas and all that it brought with it.

~*~ I've been doing fine without you, really Up until the nights got cold ~*~

Brian wondered around the stables in his winter jacket. He never got used to coming home to Kentucky. Every time he came home he was shell shocked by how cold it could be. His poor jacket he had brought with him had barely made the shivering stop. He'd then went through his old closet and that's when he found his winter jacket, the winter jacket AJ had bought for him one of their first Christmases together. He had made the joke that Brian would freeze in Kentucky and he hadn't wanted a popsicles for a boyfriend. He'd then produced the hugest jacket Brian have ever seen. AJ was right though, it kept the cold out. At least the cold produced by the winter storm. His heart was cold, but that was a whole other matter.

He pulled his hat down further on his head, but his curls kept pushing the hat back up. He sighed in frustration and sat on a bale of hay. He smiled at the horse in the stable nearest him and reached out to touch it's mane. He missed being home. He missed everything about the country. He missed the trees, the air, the horses, he missed AJ. Who was he kidding when he allowed AJ to leave that hotel room. He had made the worst mistake of his life and he would have to learn to deal with it.

He had been fine until he landed in Kentucky and stepped out into the blistering cold. He had been frozen since that moment and had never gotten warm, he didn't imagine he would either. AJ hated the cold. Jesus, he couldn't get his mind to focus on anything else. He heard footsteps coming closer and looked up to see his brother, Harold, standing at the front of the barn. He waved and stood up brushing off his butt. It was time for dinner. He had asked Harold to let him know when it was time to come in. He was not looking forward to another Littrell get together. He had already suffered through Thanksgiving and how he managed to do that without pulling his hair out he would never know.

He sighed again as he walked slowly back to the house. He felt so alone. Kevin was there with him, but was busy and didn't have time for his nonsense. Nick had found out about the break up and had sided with AJ, telling Brian that if he was going to be that big of a bitch that he never deserved AJ to begin with. Figures, his best friend even thinks he's an asshole. Kevin said he understood his reasonings but that he didn't agree with them. He never would elaborate either. He reached the back porch and shook his head. There was now way he would survive this dinner.

~*~ And everybody's here, except you, baby Seems like everyone's got someone to hold ~*~

Brian entered the dining room to screaming children and family members he had only seen a few weeks prior. He was not used to so much family time. He smiled when he should and quietly took his place at the table. He watched as his mother floated around the room, hugging relatives and giving kisses. He gave up Alex to keep these people happy. He let Alex go so he could sit here and not cause a scene. He felt his stomach churn and he knew he wouldn't be able to keep anything down. He wasn't supposed to be here, okay maybe he was supposed to be here, but he wasn't supposed to be here alone. Alex should have been with him. Why was he such a chicken. Why couldn't he, just for once in his fucking life, rock the boat a little and do what truly made him happy? Why did he insist on living by someone else's standards?

He looked around the room at all of his aunts and uncles and then his eyes fell on his cousin. Kristen and Kevin were in the corner dancing and holding their son, Mason. Brian smiled. That was why he never did anything wrong. He was supposed to have a wife and a child, but could he really imagine having a child with anyone else but Alex? Did he really think he would be happy with a woman? He sighed again and closed his eyes. He never wanted anyone but Alex. He had figured that out a long time ago, so why did he try fooling himself. He waved as Kevin turned and caught his gaze. Kevin looked at him closely and then nodded as if he knew exactly what Brian was thinking. Brian looked away and tried to keep his emotions under control. He would not cry at the dinner table. He waited patiently for the dinner to begin. All he wanted to do was run upstairs and stay there until New Years. It just wasn't really Christmas without Alex by his side.

~*~ Merry Christmas everybody That'll have to be something I just say this year ~*~

He smiled at cousin after cousin until he felt his jaw would freeze in a permanent fake smile. He had said Merry Christmas so many times that he wished he had a button or a doll of himself that he could just push so that it would say the useless words out loud. This wasn't going to be a merry Christmas. It was going to be a living nightmare. After dinner he chose to clean up so that he would not have to follow his family into the living room for the gift giving. He never understood the point in buying gifts for people he only saw once a year, but his mother insisted, so of course he went along with it.

He carried plate after plate into the kitchen and went to work scraping the discarded food into the garbage disposal. He filled the sink with warm soapy water and placed the cleaned plates in it to soak. He hated doing dishes but it was better than faking his enthusiasm and ruining Christmas for his family, or better yet they asking him why he was so down during the most wonderful season of the year.

~*~ I'll bet you got your mom another sweater And were your cousins late again ~*~

He thought about what his Christmas could have been like. If he had kept his mouth shut and had just went along with AJ's plans to go to Denise's then they wouldn't have fought and broken up. But his parents were calling practically every day wanting him home for the holidays, and he felt guilty about lying to Alex for as long as he had. It started out being a small thing. He figured he would tell Alex he had already told his parents and that would by him some time until he was really ready to tell them, then it got to be terrifying, the very thought of telling his parents that he was gay and so deeply in love with Alex. Then the guilt of keeping it from Alex just started to be too much and he knew he was going to have to tell him, no matter what the consequences. So he did, and he was paying for it. He was paying for ti every second that he was without him.

After the break he had ran straight home to Kentucky. He couldn't bare the thought of stepping into their home without Alex beside him. His parents were surprised that he arrived for Thanksgiving and then didn't leave before Christmas but they were polite enough not to question it. He stayed with Kevin some too, giving his parents a break and trying to figure out how he let Alex go. He still didn't have an answer for that one, besides the fact that he was a moronic asshole.

He thought about all of their previous Christmases together, four in total. He smiled. They always enjoyed the holidays and spending them together was something he cherished. He loved that they put up the tree and baked cookies with Alex's mom. He loved those normal traditions. He sighed as he thought about the presents under Alex's tree this year. Usually they bought each other way too many presents, trying to out due each other. Alex always bought his mom a cashmere sweater, which she loved and Brian always bought her a gift card to her favorite book store. Everything about their holidays together was right, perfect. So why had he went and fucked it up so bad, not only the holidays, but his life as well.

~*~ When you were putting up the lights this year Did you notice one less pair of hands ~*~

He thought about the tree and wondered if Alex bothered to put it up or if they had forfeited a tree this year. He could never manage to get it up without Brian's help and this year Brian wasn't there to help. Brian loved the way Denise waited for them to arrive before dragging out all of the Christmas decorations. It was like her holidays couldn't start until they arrived. He wondered what Denise thought of him now. He had hurt her baby boy and he knew how much she protected Alex.

He finished washing the dishes and glanced at the clock. It was still early in California. He wondered what they were doing, did Alex miss him as badly? He knew Alex was hurting. He had been broken when he had left the hotel room. Brian hated that he had put that ashen look on Alex's face. It was all his fault. He had created the pain and now he needed to deal with it. He wasn't the only one hurting. He sniffed, trying to keep his tears away.

He wondered through the kitchen and into the living room. He stood back out of view and watched his family's time like a stranger. It had been so long since he had been home for the holidays. He didn't even really have a place here anymore. He was sure they hadn't even noticed that he had spent this time in the kitchen alone. They were still opening presents, smiling laughing, all of this seemed like a foreign concept to Brian. How come they got to be happy. How come they got to be in love and not have to hide it from the world? Why did it still hurt so badly?

Brian leaned against the wall and smiled as the gift opening ended and his family began gathering their families to leave. He was glad. He just wanted to go to his room and cry or throw something. He really wasn't in the mood to plaster a fake smile on his face and act interested in everything that his family was saying. He smiled and hugged his relatives as they made their way outside into the snow and cold. He watched as one by one the family left until it was his immediate family and Kevin's. Mason was asleep on Kristen's lap as Brian's mom cooed and played with his hair. Brian knew how badly she wanted a grandchild of her own, Brian just wasn't sure he could ever give her one.

"Hey cuz. You doin' ok?" Kevin asked walking over and giving Brian a hug.

Brian snorted. "Not at all, but it doesn't matter. Merry Christmas man," Brian said turning and walking back into the kitchen. He walked towards the window and watched the snow fall for a while. It seemed to have a calming effect on him and he felt the tears well up again, threatening to fall and ruin what was left of this horrific Christmas. He was so absorbed in his own thoughts he didn't even hear someone come into the kitchen. He jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned quickly and smiled softly when he found himself in his mother's arms.

"Oh Ducky. I wish I could take all your pain away." She said soothingly smoothing back his curls.

He tried to smile. "I'm alright ma."

She shook her head. "I know something's going on. I wish you trusted me enough to just talk to me about it. Don't take this the wrong way, but you haven't been home this much since you were in high school. You're hiding out from something. I know it, your father knows it. I hate to see you so upset at Christmas Ducky. This is supposed to be the best time of the year and it breaks my heart to see you so hurt."

Brian sniffed trying to hold back the tears he knew would start falling any second. He hadn't anticipated her calling him out on his unhappiness.

"What happened Ducky. I thought you two were happy together." She said holding him tightly.

Brian froze. What did she just say? He pulled back and looked at his mother curiously. She waved him off and shrugged. She let go of him and moved to the stove and starting the tea kettle. Brian stood there dumbfounded.

"What are you talking about mom?" He asked totally confused. He couldn't remember telling her he was with anyone.

"I mean AJ. I thought you two were doing just fine. I was sort of surprised when he didn't come with you, I thought maybe he would come later, but then he never came and I just assumed that you two had gotten into some kind of fight and with you stumbling around here like you lost your last friend it only makes me more certain that something happened. So I'm asking you, what happened Ducky?" She said turning to look at him.

Brian opened his mouth and closed it a few times each time still unsure of how to respond. He just stared at his mother shocked. All this time she had known. All of this worry, all of this pain for nothing. He wasn't sure if he should laugh or cry.

"How did you know?" He asked taking a seat on one of the bar stools by the stove.

His mother turned and smiled softly. "Well you did honey." She smiled as he looked at her confused. "No you may not have come right out and said it, but I could tell something had changed by the way you talked about him. Then when you said you purchased a home in California I knew you had to be living together. Then I saw the pictures. You two boys are always photographed right next to each other. A mother could tell these things baby. I was just waiting until you felt comfortable to say something. Now tell me what happened."

Brian sighed and allowed the tears he'd been holding back to fall messily down his checks. She knew and she wasn't mad, she didn't hate him or disown him. "It's all my fault mama." Brian managed to choke out before he collapsed in a fit of sobs. She moved to hug him but he wouldn't let her too close just yet. "I messed up, bad. And now we're both hurting and he probably wants nothing to do with me. I was afraid to tell you. I was scared that you would be mad. I was supposed to tell you four years ago, but I was too afraid so I lied and told Alex I had told you. I told him I was coming home for Thanksgiving and one thing led to another and he found out I had never told you about us. He was convinced it was because I was ashamed of him, of us, so he packed his stuff and left. Now everything is a mess and it hurts so bad and I miss him so much mama." Brian cried out finally allowing her to envelope him in her arms. She rocked him back and forth silently, smoothing back his hair and letting him cry. It broke her heart to see him all upset.

He sniffled and looked at her scared. "You don't think differently of me?" He asked childlike.

She smiled and kissed his cheek. "I will love you forever Ducky. Nothing could ever make me feel any differently. If AJ makes you happy then I am happy for you. You deserve all the happiness in the world. I just wish you would have trusted us a long time ago and would have allowed us into your lives together."

He looked away and wiped his eyes. "Me too. It's not much of a life anymore." he said shaking his head.

She touched his face gently. "You need to be a man now and dust yourself off and get on a plane and go tell him how you feel. It's Christmas. Everyone deserves to be happy on Christmas. If you two care about each other I'm sure you can work this out." She said smiling softly.

Brian nodded. "I do, I do love him. More than anything in the world. He is everything to me. I guess it took losing him to make me realize how much he means to me and if he takes me back this time I'm never letting him go." Brian said smiling standing and grabbing his jacket. "I love you mom, and thank you, just...thank you."

She nodded and shooed him out of the kitchen. She smiled as he bundled up and ran out into the cold. He backed out of the driveway and onto the dirt road leading back to the highway. She only hoped he wasn't too late. She jumped startled as her husband wrapped his arms around her. "I love you darlin'. Good job makin' that boy finally see reason. I can't believe he shuffled around here so heartbroken just because he thought we were going to be upset. We really should have told him we knew earlier." Harold said kissing her cheek softly.

"I know Harold, but he had to come to us. I just wish he would have come to us years ago. I just hope he's not too late." Harold nodded and held her close. They both watched the snow fall out of the window thoughts with their youngest son.

~*~ I know this shouldn't be a lonely time But there were Christmases when I didn't wonder how you are tonight ~*~

Denise smiled as she watched her son fight with the Christmas tree. She loved having him home. She missed him so much when he was away that she loved to soak up all the time she had with him. She smiled softly as he threw a box across the room in frustration. He was never one for patience. She hated seeing him so upset but there wasn't anything she could do to ease his pain. He wouldn't talk about it, he only mumbled incoherently about this and that never really forming complete thoughts. This Christmas was certainly going to be different.

She heard the timer ring and rushed to the oven to take out her cookies. She loved baking and Christmas was the perfect opportunity to put her baking skills to the test. She laughed softly as she noticed every inch of counter space was taken up by a tray of cookies. Sometimes she didn't know how to limit her baking to just one or two batches. She was so used to baking for two hungry boys that she misjudged how many cookies they would normally need. Her thoughts were interrupted by the doorbell. She yelled at Alex to get it and went about putting the cookies onto a platter so she didn't feel as though her kitchen was overrun by cookie sheets.

AJ kicked the box he had just thrown on his way to the door. This better be fucking important of he was going to rip some one's head off. He had just managed to untangle the huge mess of Christmas lights only to have to quit to answer the door. He yanked it open and was stunned to find Brian fidgeting on the other side. The air caught in his throat and he was sure that he would begin to hyperventilate at any given moment. Brian looked at him shyly before looking away and moved the snow around with his shoe unsure of how to act. AJ stared unsure of how to respond to Brian standing on his doorstep. He was not expecting this at all. He shivered and stepped aside so that Brian could come inside. It was fucking cold outside.

Brian stepped in the warm house and shook the snow off his hands and hair before taking off his winter jacket and hanging it on the coat rack. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked at AJ shyly again. "Do you think we can talk?" He said softly half scared of the younger man's response. AJ nodded and lead Brian down the hall and to his bedroom. He sat on the bed and tried to keep some distance between the two of them. Just Brian being this close to him made him crazy and he couldn't control his emotions. Brian quietly shut the door and grabbed the desk chair. He sat and stared at the floor, unsure of how to proceed.

"Why are you here?" AJ choked out not being able to remain quite a moment longer. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, making him appear childlike.

Brian sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "I can because I made a mistake. A huge, unforgivable mistake. I didn't tell my parents about us and I should have. I never should have lied about it and I regretted it every day. You have to understand that. I was afraid, so afraid of how they would react. I was never ashamed of you, of us, I was just afraid. So I let you go because I thought that would be easier than facing my family once and for all, but I was wrong, so wrong. I am miserable without you. I can't even get dressed without thinking about you. You are every part of me and I love you more than life itself. I need you like I need air to breath. If you say we're done I will walk away from here and you'll never have to deal with me again, but if there is any hope that we can move past this, if there is any way for us to be together then I beg you to allow me back into your life and to love you again because I do, I love you so much baby and I'll never stop." Brian choked out as he cried all the pent up emotions he fought with on the plane and the drive over.

AJ was crying as well trying desperately to get his feelings under control. He left the bed and knelt in front of Brian on the floor. He wrapped his arms around the older man and they cried together. Brian held him tightly, almost scared that he would slip through his fingers and be gone for good. AJ pulled back and looked deep into the eyes of the man he'd given himself heart, body, and soul to years ago and knew there was no way he could let him walk away. "I love you too, so much" He managed to get out before he buried his head in Brian's chest again. Brian sighed in relief and hugged AJ to him rocking the softly back and forth.

After a few moments the pulled away from each other and Brian leaned down and softly touched his lips to Alex's. They kisses sweetly as if there was never any time apart between the two men who loved each other so much. AJ pulled away first and smiled. "I was miserable without you too baby. I never felt so horrible in my whole life, I need you just as much, if not more than you need me. But what about your parents. Are we going to have this fight again months from now?" he questioned running his fingers through Brian's curls.

Brian smiled and shook his head. "They know, they've always known. My mom somehow figured it out and just never told me she knew. She told me this afternoon and I jumped on a plane to get to you. They're fine with it. They just want us to be happy, and I have never been more happier than when I am with you."

AJ smiled and kissed Brian again, already missing the time that they had spent apart. He couldn't get enough of the older man. Brian kissed him back and then pulled away looking deeply into AJ's brown eyes. "I love you, so much baby." He said reaching into his pants pocket. He pulled out a velvet box and watched as the emotions played over AJ's features. He smiled and held the box out to the younger man. "I've wanted to do this for quite some time, but I figured Christmas was the best time for it. Alexander James McLean, will you marry me?" He asked smiling softly.

AJ opened the box and gasped softly as he examined the white gold band inside. He smiled and looked up at Brian excitedly before answering. "Yes, I will. It would make me the happiest man alive." He said grinning as Brian took the band out of the box and slipped it on his finger. He kissed Alex gently small tears falling from his eyes and onto AJ's face. AJ reached up and wiped them away. "No need for tears anymore. We have everything we need right here together."

Brian nodded and hugged AJ again. It was going to be a great Christmas after all. Outside the heavens opened fulfilling the dreams of a white Christmas as the snowflakes doubled in size and gently fell to the ground snowing all young lovers inside in the ultimate Christmas celebration.

~*~ Cause there were Christmases when you were mine You are mine ~*~


End file.
